OVERCOMING CHILDHOOD ABUSE
CONTENTS:
Childhood abuse can be of four types: verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. All four sorts of abuse can result in psychological problems in adulthood. Many survivors of abuse will have suffered a mixture of verbal, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse.
If you were abused as a child you need to be aware that you are not alone. It is more important for you to come to an understanding of the effects of your experiences than to try and define the abuse. Write these down.
2. What Problems are Associated with Childhood Abuse?
Problems occur with or without the presence of childhood abuse but abuse do make a person more vulnerable to developing difficulties. Survivors of childhood abuse are likely to suffer from negative beliefs which make them see themselves and the world negatively. This affects their feelings for themselves and others and can impact on their relationships.
An abusive history can lead to an altered thinking process. Survivors are more likely to dissociate – (‘detach’ from reality) and may be more easily hurt or offended by abuse related issues. Write down if and when you dissociate and the problems this causes.
Survivors of abuse may suffer from intrusive memories/nightmares and flashbacks. Our memories are generally accurate but can be misinterpreted or have detail added to it.
3. Recovering from Childhood Abuse
It is possible to recover from childhood abuse but you need to undertake change at a time which is right for you. This may require waiting until the appropriate moment. Change usually occurs in stages. Proceed in steps – pace yourself and allow yourself to adapt to the new conditions. Be prepared for ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ since this is a common pattern in progress.
4. The Development of Problems
Our personalities, strengths and weaknesses are formed by our natural temperament and our experiences. Early experiences can give rise to beliefs about yourself, others (world), and the future. These core beliefs affect your thinking, feelings and behaviour. They may be positive, negative, true or false.
Consider your early useful and useless experiences and relationships. What effect do they have on you now and how have they affected the way you see yourself, others (world), and the future?
Belief systems can be accurate or inaccurate and the latter can be upsetting. To get a better understanding of how belief systems work think of someone who has a prejudice you disagree with – do they ever question their prejudice and how do they react when something matches or is contradictory to their prejudice?
Your experiences have formed your beliefs and your belief systems affect your mood, relationships and behaviour, making you more or less susceptible to problems in adulthood. Bear in mind that not all your adult problems arise from abusive experiences and not all experiences of abuse cause difficulties in later life.
Write down your good and bad memories. How have these influenced your view of yourself, others (world), and the future? How do these beliefs make you feel and how do they affect the manner in which you handle your life? Consider how your belief systems influence your mood, relationships and behaviour. How might this make you more or less susceptible to problems? At this stage you need to ask yourself if your view is completely correct or is there a wrong interpretation that could be challenged.
Any particular experience is a reflection of five elements:
Our circumstances (environment/situation/event).
Our thoughts/cognition which is related to our belief systems.
Our feelings/emotions.
Our physiology (bodily/physical reactions).
Our behaviour (actions/lack of actions).
These five elements affect each other and it is this interaction which maintains a problem. To deal with your problems you need to recognize the various elements and try to alter some feature of it.
6. Viewing Your Problems in Context
Keep a diary for several days to recognize your five elements. Note both productive and unhelpful patterns in your response so that you can consolidate the former. With improved understanding of the various features of your problems you will be able to comprehend what causes them to continue.
Consider:
‘Why me?’ Recognize your present problems in view of your past experiences.
‘Why aren’t matters improving?’ Write down your problems and what maintains them.
‘What are my needs now?’ Write down your needs for future use and review this list as your needs alter with time.
7. What Stands in the Way of Recovery?
You need to ask yourself if you are ready for the important alterations involved in recovery. Can you handle the potential stress of changing? How far can you proceed and will you have the help of those in your life?
The process of recovery can bring to the surface strong emotions and horrifying discoveries. You need to give yourself the opportunity to adapt to this. Consider what stresses you and those in your life may experience if you change your lifestyle.
Do you partake in emotional numbing? What thoughts or feelings do you refrain from by doing this and how?
Recognize and write down your fears, noting any possible solutions. Write down both what you will achieve and lose by recovering, to clarify your reasons for opting to recover and the things that stand in your way. Think about what supports you have to assist you to cope with the losses and alterations (e.g. good friends who will stand by you).
Your goals need to be in line with reality, specific and within your capacity. Break down your goals into steps you can manage. Consider what you want and identify the realistic goals and the ones that have to be made less demanding.
In what way precisely do you wish to alter at the end of this process? Identify what will be the distinguishing features of this change. List your goals and note those you will need to attempt in steps and try to clarify what steps will be necessary.
Observe and record long-term (e.g. talking to a friend about the problem) and short-term (e.g. displacing your bad feelings) helpful coping skills and those which are detrimental to your well-being. What was occurring at the time and how did you respond to the feelings? Note how your coping skill/response reduced your distress by rating your distress level before and after the response on a scale of 0-10 (with 10 for extremely distressed).
Use the records made above to examine how you look after yourself at the moment. Write down your behaviour when distressed (e.g. indulge in food and alcohol), mark out the short-term coping strategies and note the long-term ones. Try to increase your coping skills so that you do not need to rely so much on the harmful strategies.
Practise breathing exercises several times a day so that you can control your breathing when you feel tense. Breathe in deeply until your lungs are full then breathe out. Repeat this about 8-12 times in a minute.
If you can, use a simple relaxation exercise daily on a regular basis.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Controlled Breathing and Relaxation Techniques.
Learn to deal effectively with life stresses.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Problem-Solving, Program 8: Overcoming Anxiety, Program 12: Overcoming Depression, Program 22: Overcoming Stress and Program 23: Overcoming Stress At Work.
Try to become aware of when you dissociate/detach from reality, as in this way you can gain control.
Social support is crucial to the recovery process so endeavour to consolidate your social network.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Social Skills Training, Communication Training and Negotiation Training.
Learn to deal with negative thoughts.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Modifying Maladaptive Thinking.
To deal with interpersonal relationship problems:
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Troublesome Emotions and Program 13: Overcoming Destructive Relationships.
Adopt a healthy lifestyle.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Nutrition, Exercise, Managing Your Time and Sleep Management.
Other helpful coping strategies:
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Competitiveness and Perfectionism, Frustration, Procrastination and Persistence.
10. Handling Distressful Memories
Distressful memories are of two types: flashbacks and intrusive memories. Ways of dealing with these are given below.
You could try avoiding the trigger to these memories (e.g. certain situations or specific people).
Distract yourself from these memories by focusing on things around you. Try to become skilled at refocusing by practising even when you do not suffer these bad memories.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Distraction Techniques.
You can try distracting yourself with an object you carry around with you or a visual picture that can calm you.
Try to develop a few words or a phrase to remind you that you are coping at the moment. Write out the phrase and leave reminders where you can see them so that you can bring them to mind when you need it.
Find a position that makes you feel safe, strong or comfortable and practise adopting it so that you can use it easily to fight your distress.
Occasionally, it is necessary to confront these memories so that you can assign them to the past.
Only when you feel ready to face the past should you try to write down your experience. You are advised to have an adequate mastery of coping skills and perhaps someone available to support you.
First write down brief details then rewrite to include as much detail as possible. What happened? What did you feel? What went through your mind? Do not pressure yourself to remember things – just note what you can recall. Take a break when you need to but continue later. Read the completed account with compassion for yourself and try to figure out the specified importance of your experience.
Expose yourself to a hierarchy of distressful situations to gain control and recover.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Eye Movement Technique (EMT), Mood Induction Procedure, Rational Emotive Imagery (REI), Imago Graded Exposure and In Vivo Graded Exposure.
Visualize the entire traumatic memory in detail using all your senses. Repeat this procedure until your distress diminishes – this will adaptively alter the memory (Imago Graded Exposure).
Again visualize the traumatic memory but this time change (rescript) the imagery to create a better outcome; one that empowers and gives you control. Replace victimization images with mastery images – see yourself as the ADULT rescuing the CHILD (you) from the perpetrator (abuser) with or without the help of others (e.g. friend, police). Talk to the abuser and child directly (i.e. in the second person); express your anger toward the abuser and comfort the CHILD.
If you feel lack of confidence:
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Assertiveness Training, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Building Confidence I, Building Confidence II, Building Confidence III, Building Confidence IV and Program 16: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem.
Letting go of self-blame is not an easy step forward and you will need to allow yourself time to adapt to the changes. How will you feel about yourself, others (world), and your future when you let go of self-blame? What stresses might occur from the change?
To understand how abuse occurs consider why your abuser wanted to abuse; how they overcame their inhibitions; how they were able to get the chance to abuse. Keep in mind that the abuser chose to abuse.
Why do you think you may have been susceptible to abuse?
Assign responsibility for the blame where it belongs. Say out loud: ‘I was not responsible for ….’
‘…. was responsible for ….’
List all the people involved in your abuse and rank them from the most to the least responsible then see if it is reasonable for you to feel responsible and add yourself to the list.
Get in touch with the child in you by writing a letter to an imaginary child who is the age you were when abused. Comfort the child by explaining why it is the abuser who is to blame. You could address the letter to the child in you if you feel you are able to do so.
Write down reasons why you feel you were to blame and then challenge these with reasons why you were not to blame.
Write letters, which you may or may not wish to send, to: the aggressor/s; to the other parent or both parents; to the damaged child from the adult self; a fairy tale about your life in the third person with a happy ending to give you hope; to a partner or ex-lover; to your child/children or the child you would like to have. Repeat these letters when you reach the conclusion of this advice to see how you have changed with therapy.
Survivors of childhood abuse often have the additional burden of being abusers themselves. If you feel you have abused others try writing a letter to the person/s you have abused and you may or may not choose to send this letter.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Criticism, Countering Self-Criticism, Coping with the Need for Approval, Improving Your Self-Image and Combating Self-Harm and Program 15: Overcoming Grief And Bereavement.
Anger is triggered by frustrations and you need to learn to manage your anger. It is important not to deny your anger but express it at the cause and not displace it.
Monitor your anger:
What was the situation? What did you feel? What thoughts did you have? What did you do? How helpful was this? What were your misjudgments (e.g. jumping to conclusions?) How do you see the event now? Consider more balanced responses.
Perhaps you feel anger toward your abuser; to get in touch with these feelings try imagining yourself as a child. Consider what was done to you and the consequences to your life – the struggle, the losses and the unhappiness. What are your feelings? List ways now of dealing with your anger (e.g. pounding pillows with fists or playing forceful sports then calm yourself by taking a bath). Keep the list close at hand.
You may indirectly express your anger by writing a letter to the person; make an assertive telephone call; or you may directly express your anger and confront the person. Try to engage in calming activity afterwards.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Forgiveness and Program 6: Overcoming Anger.
13. Speaking Out
It is your decision whether you speak out or not, how much you disclose and to whom. Consider the pros and cons of speaking out.
Plan how you are going to disclose your abuse, to whom, at what time and place and in particular, what you will say. What could go wrong and how could you handle this? Think about the worst-case scenario and have a back-up plan. Familiarize yourself with your task by rehearsing in your imagination.
It is your choice whether you confront or not. Think about the pros and cons of confronting and decide whether it is in your best interests. Write down your hopes and distinguish between realistic, unpredictable (beyond your restraint), and unrealistic hopes. Do not rush into confronting. If most of your hopes are unpredictable or unrealistic, it is better to wait until the time is right.
Plan your confrontation: Whom are you going to confront. Why? Where? When? Will you need anyone for support? What are you going to say? What is the worst-case scenario and how would you cope? Rehearse your plan in your imagination to prepare yourself.
Forgiving your abuser is not essential, to find emotional release but you do need to forgive yourself for having been abused. Allow yourself time to really think about forgiveness by writing down your thoughts and discussing it with others.
You are bound to suffer from setbacks and need to establish a relapse prevention plan. Write down your high-risk situations and related negative thoughts. Explain them and formulate alternative action. Keep your management strategy close at hand – in this way you will be prepared in times of crisis.
Your abuse will always be a part of your past but remember that it is in the past and focus on your future.
See Program 1: Coping Strategies Counselling Advice – Relapse Prevention.
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